For a lot of girls it may seem that guys are totally oblivious to how they dress, but the truth is guys definitely do notice! According to this elaborate study done by “The Rebelution”, the huge majority of guys say they definitely notice if a girl dresses modestly. This is only one aspect of the survey. You can check out the whole thing here: http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/browse
A post on our Facebook page asking for clothing guidelines stemmed a debate on whether guys even have any business saying what’s modest for girls to wear or not (which is great, keep the posts and comments coming). Some people said God, not man is the determiner of what’s modest, so girls don’t need to ask men, and others said men should weigh since modesty is only for their sake anyway. I think there are elements in truth in both statements, but that they’re each incomplete. Guys-On-Modesty, wants to make it clear that our goal is to encourage and help girls see that there IS guys here in our world that DO appreciate Modesty. We appreciate woman that are modest is all areas of their lives, both physically and emotionally.Here in Guys-On-Modesty Blog, we are strong believers that Modesty is NOT just about clothing it’s a life style that reflects in the way you speak, act, and think!
To begin with, I’ve never liked the idea that guys should dictate what girls wear, I think it degrades the girl and paints all guys as uncontrollably lustful. Modesty is its own virtue, not just something girls do for men. That being said, girls should be mindful of how guys will see what they wear, both out of courtesy to men trying to live chastely, and to protect themselves from men who aren’t. To this end, guys are the perfect resource to inform a girl how she’ll be looked at if she wears this or that, but their opinion isn’t law.
Modesty is deeply related to humility. In fact, I think where humility is, modesty will be also. Unfortunately, humility is also a monstrously misunderstood virtue.
People often treat it as a requirement to think poorly of themselves, but this is really a poor way to understand the virtue. Humility is about knowing yourself for what you are, not pretending you’re worse than you are just because.
Now, as you seek greater perfection, and come to know yourself better, you’ll certainly discover you have a ton of flaws, more than you ever thought possible.
So people without any humility think it means pretending they’re not awesome even though they are. People with a little humility think it means admitting they’re not awesome because they know they aren’t. But people with perfect humility don’t think about it at all because they’re too busy serving the best good of everyone around them to bother about themselves. Unfortunately, perfect humility is very hard to achieve because its arch-enemies, selfishness and pride, are like cancer—you can beat them in one place, but before you know it they’ve sprung up in another.
Selfishness and pride are also wreak havoc on modesty. A lot of immodesty, from dressing badly to carrying oneself wantonly, springs from the desire for attention, to be important, to be sought after. Here again we see the internal play of virtue. The inordinate desire for others to think well of you is immodest whatever you wear. The girl who dons a modest outfit while hoping that people will notice her figure despite it isn’t any more modest than the girl who wears an immodest outfit in the certainty that people will notice her figure because of it. In fact, she is less modest than the girl who accidently wears something immodest because she’s not thinking of what others think of her at all (said girl is being careless though). On the flip side, with humility comes a deeper knowledge of who you are; your flaws, your strengths, and most importantly the knowledge of your worth as a human being. Any girl secure in this knowledge won’t feel the need to showcase herself boldly for the affirmation of others, but will instead feel inside her the value of what she has to offer someone worthy of it, and won’t want to advertise herself to the first taker. Be true to your self worth. Ladies, you are worth so much more than provocative ways. Showing respect for your self, will help you find a respectful guy and friendships.
“He walked by instinct along one white road, on which early birds hopped and sang, and found himself outside a fenced garden. There he saw the sister of Gregory, the girl with the gold-red hair, cutting lilac before breakfast, with the great unconscious gravity of a girl. “
– G.K Chesterton
That last phrase of this quote struck me because its something I’ve often observed—that the moments in which girls are most beautiful are usually those in which they have no thought for their looks or anyone observing them, which is somewhat of a paradox given how much time girls often put into their appearance. That other great source of British wisdom, One Direction, points out in his song, What Makes You Beautiful, “You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful.” So why is “the great unconscious gravity of a girl” so attractive? I think because in those rare moments, some external action—cutting lilacs, smiling, etc., suddenly makes some internal truth about the person visible on the outside. It’s more or less what I talked about in my last post, about people’s appearance changing as you get to know them, except it all happens in sudden brief flash. Once again, it’s disconnected from the objective attractiveness (if there is such a thing) of the person. In fact, I suspect that had the girls been thinking of their looks at all, they would have thought they looked terrible at the moment. One guy I talked to mentioned how lovely a girl looked walking by carrying a trash bag. Not exactly the moment when you’d expect to be your most glamorous.
So what does any of this have to do with modesty? I’ve been saying modesty is a state of mind, or a disposition; what I would like to add here is that it isn’t necessarily a conscious one. The same way that an immodest girl isn’t actively thinking that she needs affirmation at any cost when she decides to wear something too revealing, so too do modest women not actively need to consider how valuable they are all the time—I imagine they’d become insufferable if they did. I think modesty ties greatly into humility, and humility isn’t about thinking lowly of yourself as much as it’s about not thinking of yourself at all. So the key is to know how valuable you are, act accordingly, and not think too much about it after that.
How does modesty fit into beauty?
Modesty is more than what meets the eye. It is a type of personal life style that should start from a woman’s inner being. Our culture has taken the word, “modesty” only when we are talking about the modesty of women clothing, but we forget to talk about the modesty of a woman’s heart. The image of beauty presented to you by the world at large is, quite frankly, unattainable. It constantly shows us beautiful people who you naturally want to look like, but, I’m sorry to say, you never will. That’s just how it is, because actually, nobody looks like that. I work in media, and I can tell you first hand that the only reason stars, cover girls, and models look like they do is because a team of highly trained professionals made them look like that. So unless you intend to have an entourage of minions to touch up your makeup every five minutes, match your outfit to every environment you enter, and control how you’re lit at all times, you can give up on looking at the world that tells you how you should look. But here’s the really funny thing. Even if you did look like that, it wouldn’t make a difference, you’d still wind up unhappy if you didn’t have real beauty, inner beauty. Why do you think Hollywood marriages never last. It’s because one amazing person meets another amazing person and they get married, and they have it all: the best looks, the most glamorous jobs, the biggest houses. Then they get to know each other. Suddenly, the looks and the glamor and the cars pale in front of the lousy jerk they wake up next to every morning. That’s what everyone discovers sooner or later. The trick is discovering it before its too late.
While action, like clothing is more a sign of modesty than the thing itself, it is perhaps the most important, and often neglected and misunderstood. The variations here are probably more varied and subtle than when it comes to clothing, because action springs more directly from one’s interior disposition than clothing does.
To begin with, let me clarify that by action I mean all of a person’s actions, not just those relating to some aspect of sexuality. Not pole-dancing makes your actions as modest as not kicking beggars makes them charitable. As I said in a previous post, modesty is a positive virtue. It is something you do, not a list of things you don’t do. In terms of action, it is a way of bearing oneself, a way of interacting with others. Ultimately this is determined by how a woman sees herself on the inside. The problem today is that women have been tricked to think one of two things: that their highest goal is to be desirable to men, or that they should actually be men (or sometimes both at the same time, look at any female super-hero). This just gets messy.
To illustrate that women are not in fact men, I would like to talk about the different way men and women create influence. Men create influence through outside resources—tools. Whichever guy has the biggest stick, be it money, or strength or followers or in some cases an actual stick, has the most power. This is clear in any place with a lot of men. When the CEO or general walks in, everyone gravitates towards him, not because of who he is, but because of what he controls. Women on the other hand don’t need a stick to have authority. They just do. Imagine Sandra Bullock walking into the same room. All of a sudden everyone in the room, including the general or the CEO are at her disposal, not because of what she carries—she has no authority or material claim over them, but because who she is somehow demands respect. You don’t have to be famous to evoke that respect though, you simply have to carry yourself right.
Women know this. But they trouble is a lot of them forget why they’re owed respect, and they think they have to carry around a stick just like the guys. The thing is, women weren’t meant to operate by threat of force, and women who forget that never seem quite secure or comfortable using whatever “stick” they have, but they don’t know how to command respect in any other way so they just use it all the more in a downward spiral. In they end, men just find them ridiculous or obnoxious. Remember, you’re owed respect because God made you, not because if you don’t get it you’ll complain the loudest or get even.