Lean on Me

Lean on MeToday I’d like to expand a little on my recent post about emotional modesty, and talk more about maintaining a healthy balance in communication. Guys especially have to strive to achieve good communication because (surprise, surprise), it doesn’t come to them as easily as girls. One of the reasons relationships are so tricky is because while feelings aren’t everything, they are an important factor. Most other things we do, work for instance, can be done well regardless of how we feel about it, but a relationship can’t be a dispassionate exercise. So one of the most important things in maintaining a healthy relationship is communicating thoughts and feelings. As I see it, there are two major pitfalls to avoid when it comes to communication: the first is not communicating enough, the second is destructive communication, such as excessive venting, or “emotional dumping”—which is when you use another person as a total dumping ground for all your troubles.

It’s important for men especially to understand that women are much more intuitive and sensitive than men are, traits which make women better at empathizing and nurturing than men. But these same traits mean they need more emotional connection than men, because emotions play a bigger part in how women experience the world. So even though it may not seem “manly,” men need to share their feelings with their wife or girlfriend regularly if they want to stay connected to them. It doesn’t matter how close you feel to her, if you don’t tell her, it’ll make you seem more distant. Men also need to understand that women need to vent more about their lives than they do. To male ears this may sound whiny, but it’s a vital part of how women work through things. Often enough, when your wife or girlfriend tells you about her problems, she doesn’t even expect you to solve them for her, just to listen and express sympathy. It really couldn’t be simpler, but men are built to problem solve, so we get it mixed up all the time.

On the flip side it’s easy to fall into the trap of putting too much emotional weight on your boyfriend or girlfriend. Communicating about all the good and bad things in your life is vitally important to maintaining an emotional bond, but one has to be careful not to view your boyfriend or girlfriend as the answer to all your problems. It can be really easy to see your whole life as merely an extension of your relationship, which is, often rightly so, the most important part of it. However, the paradox is, if you’re not complete without a relationship, you won’t find yourself complete with one, even if it feels that way. Nobody can be solely responsible for another person’s happiness; it’s too much to bear. Donald Miller sums it up nicely in his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, “I think that’s why so many couples fight, because they want their partners to validate them and affirm them, and if they don’t get that, they feel as though they’re going to die. And so they lash out. But it’s a terrible thing to wake up and realize the person you just finished crucifying didn’t turn out to be Jesus.”

There’s only one thing that can satisfy a human completely, and it’s not another human. Sure, it might work for a while, but not forever. So confide in each other, trust each other, but don’t put your full emotional weight on anyone else, because it’ll just make you both fall.

~ GOM

Our Stance

Our StanceWell it’s been a busy couple of days. We were featured on Jezebel.com in an article subtly titled “Modesty is Bullshit” (I’m honestly disappointed we didn’t make the cut for their “F–k You Week” line of articles, maybe next time). This brought us to the attention of a previously untapped audience—angry feminists, who’ve been visiting our blog and Facebook page in droves. So, in the wake of that I’d like to clarify a few things:

We are not out to dictate women’s clothes
Of our posts, only three have dealt with the issue of clothing. Two of those stressed that clothing is only a reflection of modesty, not the virtue itself.

We dictate nothing. We claim no authority
We’re just expressing our thoughts and appreciation of a virtue many people are  interested in pursuing and learning more about.

We just want to spread a new appreciation for modesty
Both Christian and secular circles focus the question too exclusively around clothing. We want to refocus the discussion on a broader understanding of modesty.

Modesty is positive and uplifting
Far from oppressing people, men or women, modesty gives the human person the respect it deserves. It’s not a long list of rules, but a fulfilling way of life.

But of course, this all presupposes that one thinks modesty is worth pursuing and the human person worth respecting. Our critics’ moral code seems to be that people can do whatever they want and respecting them means staying the heck out of the way. Now, our page assumes belief in a real system of morals, specifically, traditional Judeo-Christian ethics. If someone rejects all traditional virtue, discussion of one of those virtues in particular is an impossible and futile endeavor.

– GOM

Do guys even notice whether a girl dresses modestly?

For a lot of girls it may seem that guys are totally oblivious to how they dress, but the truth is guys definitely do notice! According to this elaborate study done by “The Rebelution”, the huge majority of guys say they definitely notice if a girl dresses modestly. This is only one aspect of the survey. You can check out the whole thing here: http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/browse